2 posts tagged “life”
That quote is from today's Mary Engelbreit daily calendar. It's appropriate because I have been at odds with my mother for a long time that it's time to change the way I have been acting, thinking, being ever since I've learned to think for myself. She's not like other mothers. I always wished she would be more understanding, more sympathetic, more my best friend, but no. She's the authority figure that does not let up. If she thinks I'm making a mistake or doing wrong in her eyes, she tells me exactly what I need to hear. She's very firm on the verge of threatening and I've lived in fear of her wrath for many years. She's very anti-social and does not have very many friends. She is the only surviving member of her family. She has my father, myself and the cat and dog as her immediate family. She goes to church regular and we do morning and evening service together. She's a good mother. I have just built up this resentment and anger towards her that kept building and building. It burst several times over the years and she's never let me forget it, but I don't regret anything. I love her. I can't imagine the love she feels for me. I think I'm afraid to. I know that I will completely understand her when I become a mother. I look forward to that. Now, I still have to balance my immatureness with my independent womanness. It doesn't help that I must live at home but it seems to work out for everyone. It's the right thing to do for now for my parents. I wouldn't want to move out just to get away from them although people do it all the time. I guess I don't have the balls to do it or I'm not financially stable enough to venture out on my own, really on my own. I was seriously planning on it. But because of a "pep" talk from my mother and reconsidering my situation, how I haven't been doing my part in my own faith on a daily basis, I decided to start small and take baby steps. I have plenty of independence at home; I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want, as long as I come home by 12 am. or preferably earlier. Imagine having a curfew in your late 20s. it's too funny. Of course I break it all the time and then I get the guilt trip. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself. try my independence to the limit, go through the fear, feel the guilt, get over it, then again and again. whatever I do. i was really sick of it. I want to stay out all night sometimes, spend the night with my boyfriend without feeling guilt or fear, be alone without my parents breathing down my neck. have my own space. my mother wants me to stay at home until i get married. can you believe it? it's crazy. we're not your typical family. I'm an only child. The pressures from my parents, my faith, my friends, myself gets extremely overwhelming. I don't know what I'm doing a lot of times or what I'm suppose to do. The answer will come to me one of these days. People many tell me you should do this or do that, try this or try that, but I really should listen to my gut and go with it. It's never been wrong. My gut tells me I should stay home for now, help my parents, make them happy. It's not like living on my own would be cherry pie. It's hard! But I'm not afraid to try when the time does come.
I keep applying to jobs but no one will hire me yet. I think if I didn't have a full-time job now I would get hired right away. I make great first impressions. But my schedule won't allow me much flexibility right now, during my regular work hours. afterwards is no problem. ideally I would love a part-time job that I can work in the evenings, not too late at night, Sunday afternoons and Monday mornings. that would be great! I'll keep looking but I'm not holding my breath.
My friends from Japan were able to get their green card so they've moved back to Hawaii permanently! They came to the library today. I was so happy to see them! They were here for church work before but now they're here to live! It's so great to have them again.
Things with Jon are really wonderful. He's a great guy. Very supportive. Solid as a rock. I'm so grateful that he's adding so much to my life and to me.
My mother gives me a hard time about him. But she's always given me a hard time everytime I start dating a new guy. Ever since the nightmare with the married guy, she has not trusted me to find the right one. She thinks I'm going to screw it up again. He's going to leave me. I'm going to get hurt. I feel like I'm never going to get married as long as she's being so distrustful and suspicious. She won't even let him into our house. Our house is not very welcoming at all. I don't feel comfortable in it at times.
But that's how it is and I have to accept it. for what it's worth. bottom line.
then i can move on and be happy.
Today I'm working by myself at the library. Meg is off. Today has been pretty busy. Lots of kids, customers and visitors. I'm happy to work here. I'll be quitting my position in June and moving on to a better paying job, which I'm still looking, but I know I'll be back.
- What makes you happy at work?
I'm happy at work to be free to work at my own pace, no deadlines, no rushing around. It's a peaceful environment, surrounded by lush green lawn, trees, and blue sky. I'm also happy to meet the people that come to the library. It's pure joy and such a pleasure to get to know and talk with them, see them on a weekly basis. Very nice people.
- What makes you happy at home?
I'm happy at home when my parents are getting along and my mom is up and puttering around the house.
- What makes you happy with your friends and family?
I'm happy with my friends when I feel confident in myself and I can be myself. Have fun with them, laugh with them.
I'm happy with my family when I get to see them and spend time with them.
- What makes you happy when you're by yourself?
I'm happy by myself practically all the time. I'm not afraid of being alone. I like it. Sometimes I need to be by myself. I go to the library, bookstores, read, go to the movies, drive around in my car, go shopping, or stare into space.
- What do you love to do?
I love to be by myself, I love to do detailed, tedious work, I like being on a schedule, I'd like a job where the work is endless but still doable and flexible enough to not have to take it home with me.
- What would you do with your life today if you weren't afraid of failure?
I'd go to grad school, get my MA in TESL, work in France or SF, or Hawaii. work at the library part-time. save money. move out of my house. rent an apt. buy a car. live with jon and plan for our future.
- What's not working in your life?
Fear of the unknown, not being able to move forward as I want, still living at home, though my parents like it, being under their care and watchful eye, i want to be FREE once and for all. Of course, I will visit them everyday and clean up my dad's mail or whatever, walk the dog, eat dinner with them, drive them to church, but I want to be totally independent and on my own without having to call them that I'll be late. or check in with them. listen to my mom's insinuating tone of voice.
What's not working is my attitude and impatience and not accepting my current situation. There are steps to take but I'm not willing to take them. I want everything to happen at once. I need to go step by step.
- What are you currently doing that prevents you from experiencing joy?
Holding myself back from being who I really am. Being afraid of judgement from my friends and family. Fear of rejection. Fear of success. FEAR of doing what I really want without having my parents say a word!
- What's working in your life?
My diligence and dedication to my faith and church. Support from family and friends. Having a positive outlook even though I may not be totally satisfied with my living situation. Believing in and accepting myself.
- Who's not working in your life?
Friends who are judgemental and not supportive.
- Who in your life is subtracting value from and adding misery to it?
A lot of times, my mother. Sometimes my father. Most of it is myself.
- Can you fix any of these relationships, or should you let them go from your life?
I could let them go or just not be afraid to be the real genuine lovable, laughable me.
- What relationships are working in your life?
My relationship with my boyfriend, Jon, has always been steady, fulfilling, and wonderful.
Things with my parents are improving because I'm improving myself.
I have made loving, supportive friends through PSI.
I find that my relationships work well on an individual basis, but I'm not good at putting myself in a group. Working on that.
- If we were getting together one year from today, what would have to happen for you to be able to tell me that you now have more joy in your life?
Moving on to a can-do attitude instead of I can't and taking action. I will be enrolled as a graduate student at HPU in their Teaching English as a Second Language Program with financial aid. I will have a fabulous job where I can work my fullest potential using my Japanese language ability. I will be making oodles of money, well, a lot more than now and knowing how to save and use it wisely. I will have a great relationship with my parents, moved out of my house, living on my own, and loving my independence. I will also be engaged to Jon and planning my wedding.
- What's the single most important thing you've learned about yourself as a result of answering these questions?
