2 posts tagged “faith”

Japan is great! I'm having lots of fun and learning a lot. Made many new and wonderful friends. I feel like I am the real me here. Hopefully I can bring this "me" back home at the end of this month. Today is a day off. phew. I so needed it. Everyday is early: 5 a.m.! Alarm goes off at 3:50 a.m.! I'm getting use to it.

It's raining today. But at least it's not super hot yet. Tenri (the city where I am) is famous for its hot, humid, muggy weather.

Sometimes I feel like my Japanese is so inadequate. It can get stressful. Speaking is ok, reading and esp writing in Japanese causes me to go bonkers. I had a little breakdown yesterday but it's all for the good.

I feel like my English isn't so great either. And I want to be an English teacher, ESL that is. I've been told that I have an accent when I speak English. Well great.

I want to stay here yet I feel that I should go back. Well, after I earn my degree, I'll be free to go anywhere. I'd love to work in Japan and make tons of $$$$$$! I really do like it here. Maybe because it's Tenri. Almost everyone is so nice here. It's probably like any other place outside of Tenri. I will probably find out soon enough.

Take care!

That quote is from today's Mary Engelbreit daily calendar. It's appropriate because I have been at odds with my mother for a long time that it's time to change the way I have been acting, thinking, being ever since I've learned to think for myself. She's not like other mothers. I always wished she would be more understanding, more sympathetic, more my best friend, but no. She's the authority figure that does not let up. If she thinks I'm making a mistake or doing wrong in her eyes, she tells me exactly what I need to hear. She's very firm on the verge of threatening and I've lived in fear of her wrath for many years. She's very anti-social and does not have very many friends. She is the only surviving member of her family. She has my father, myself and the cat and dog as her immediate family. She goes to church regular and we do morning and evening service together. She's a good mother. I have just built up this resentment and anger towards her that kept building and building. It burst several times over the years and she's never let me forget it, but I don't regret anything. I love her. I can't imagine the love she feels for me. I think I'm afraid to. I know that I will completely understand her when I become a mother. I look forward to that. Now, I still have to balance my immatureness with my independent womanness. It doesn't help that I must live at home but it seems to work out for everyone. It's the right thing to do for now for my parents. I wouldn't want to move out just to get away from them although people do it all the time. I guess I don't have the balls to do it or I'm not financially stable enough to venture out on my own, really on my own. I was seriously planning on it. But because of a "pep" talk from my mother and reconsidering my situation, how I haven't been doing my part in my own faith on a daily basis, I decided to start small and take baby steps. I have plenty of independence at home; I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want, as long as I come home by 12 am. or preferably earlier. Imagine having a curfew in your late 20s. it's too funny. Of course I break it all the time and then I get the guilt trip. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself. try my independence to the limit, go through the fear, feel the guilt, get over it, then again and again. whatever I do. i was really sick of it. I want to stay out all night sometimes, spend the night with my boyfriend without feeling guilt or fear, be alone without my parents breathing down my neck. have my own space. my mother wants me to stay at home until i get married. can you believe it? it's crazy. we're not your typical family. I'm an only child. The pressures from my parents, my faith, my friends, myself gets extremely overwhelming. I don't know what I'm doing a lot of times or what I'm suppose to do.  The answer will come to me one of these days. People many tell me you should do this or do that, try this or try that, but I really should listen to my gut and go with it. It's never been wrong. My gut tells me I should stay home for now, help my parents, make them happy. It's not like living on my own would be cherry pie. It's hard! But I'm not afraid to try when the time does come.
I keep applying to jobs but no one will hire me yet. I think if I didn't have a full-time job now I would get hired right away. I make great first impressions. But my schedule won't allow me much flexibility right now, during my regular work hours. afterwards is no problem. ideally I would love a part-time job that I can work in the evenings, not too late at night, Sunday afternoons and Monday mornings. that would be great! I'll keep looking but I'm not holding my breath.
My friends from Japan were able to get their green card so they've moved back to Hawaii permanently! They came to the library today. I was so happy to see them! They were here for church work before but now they're here to live! It's so great to have them again.
Things with Jon are really wonderful. He's a great guy. Very supportive. Solid as a rock. I'm so grateful that he's adding so much to my life and to me.
My mother gives me a hard time about him. But she's always given me a hard time everytime I start dating a new guy. Ever since the nightmare with the married guy, she has not trusted me to find the right one. She thinks I'm going to screw it up again. He's going to leave me. I'm going to get hurt. I feel like I'm never going to get married as long as she's being so distrustful and suspicious. She won't even let him into our house. Our house is not very welcoming at all. I don't feel comfortable in it at times.
But that's how it is and I have to accept it. for what it's worth. bottom line.
then i can move on and be happy.
Today I'm working by myself at the library. Meg is off. Today has been pretty busy. Lots of kids, customers and visitors. I'm happy to work here. I'll be quitting my position in June and moving on to a better paying job, which I'm still looking, but I know I'll be back.